I’ve been away….
23 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
This post may piss a few people off. But I’m writing it anyway. Be warned: may contain foul language.
When my mom died about 16 months ago, I came to see that life is short. We have to make it what we want it to be.
My head and my heart have been at war with each other for a few years. I’ve always been who and what others wanted me to be. Had kids, got married, worked hard, and generally was a people pleaser.
After mom died the war between head and heart became more pronounced. What I wanted and needed became urgent. I needed to be alone. I needed to do things my way.
I’ve hurt people with my recent decisions. It wasn’t intentional. They believe I don’t care. They believe I’m being selfish. And that I’ve never wanted them in my life. They’re wrong.
I felt suffocated by my life. I needed room to change and grow. So I moved to Alabama to be with family that I haven’t spent enough time with over the years. I filed for divorce. I’m looking for a car and an apartment. All for independence. All so I didn’t lose my mind or myself.
I’m finally figuring out that I can’t please everybody. And that I’m worth more to myself than I ever thought.
With all the drama from my kids, friends and people I considered family it’s been hard. But even with the pain I feel, I’m happier than I have been in 25 years.
I’m living a quiet life filled with family, new friends, old friends, and being myself.
I’m accepted here. Even though I’m crude, unladylike, and a general pain in the ass. I’m enjoying that feeling. It’s not something I’ve ever felt before. Even my own children don’t accept me for who I am.
The kids want me to be the same woman I’ve always been. It’s time for me to grow and change. They’re old enough to understand that but don’t want to. Everybody grows and changes. Not always in ways that others want them to.
I’m tired of fighting them. I want them to be happy for me. The same way I’m happy for them when they make an important change or decision. They’ve been disrespectful, mean, angry, hateful, and ugly to me. I forgive that because I love them.
But I’m not taking their shit anymore. I’m not going back to my husband. I’m not going back to being treated like I don’t exist. I’m going to continue to find out what life has to offer. I don’t need lectures. I don’t need judgement. I need what everybody needs. Love, understanding and support.
If that’s not possible from those I love the most than I have to move on. I didn’t change my life just to hurt them. I changed it because I was hurting. I was unhappy. I want them to understand that my decision has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.
I want them to know how much I’m hurting because of their perception of my life. I need them to see that these changes are a good thing. I need them to see that I love them no matter what. If that fails then I will have to just keep loving them. And wanting them to be happy. And that I’m proud of them.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for being here.
